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远程帮妈修电脑

作者 : admin   | 发布时间 : 2020-07-08 07:55

由于COVID-19,我和父皇与母后不幸被分隔在了两地。


昨天应他们的邀请,我(尝试)远程为他们解决电脑问题——(整个)上午先搞定了如何用QQ远程协助,(整个)下午替他们完成了下载一个证券软件并登录的艰巨任务——一天就这么过去了。



这让我想起去年看到的一个Ronny Chieng的skit,就是关于如何远程帮妈妈处理电脑问题。Ronny Chieng是个我挺喜欢的一个stand-up comedian,华裔同龄人,虽然我也只是在Youtube上刷过一些他的段子,但他比较愤青的台风和略有东南亚风味的口音很合我意。所以我找到了这个当时让我笑喷的段子,下下来跟大家分享一下。



为了避免盲听可能会产生的理解困难,在此简单解释一下整个skit说的是什么。首先片段是从online piracy(网络盗版)开始的,然后讲到the internet,讲到如何从互联网上下载合法的资源——这是一项无法传授给妈妈的技能,因为妈妈只要在电脑上点击任何东西,电脑就必定中毒……


然后Ronny说到internet trolling(在网上喷人),调侃了我们对在网上被人喷已经习以为常,但妈妈辈不是。接下来就是这段skit的高潮,Ronny如何远程教他妈删除她在Youtube上用真名留的言,其中操作电脑的部分就是昨天最让我起共鸣的经历……


视频下面我没有附全文,我太懒了,就听译几段我觉得比较逗的,想练精听的同学可以参考,其实不难,就是他太贫了,要是真听不懂靠字幕,眼睛估计也跟不上……



(如果想看听译文本的话,建议也先完整看一遍视频。)
You hear what the US film industry is saying about online piracy? The US film industry is saying that online piracy is costing the US film industry 20 billion dollars a year. Can you believe that? Online piracy is costing the US film industry 20 billion dollars a year. Don't they know they can download that shit for free? Who are you paying? You're being ripped off... Use BitTorrent! 你有没有听说美国电影人怎么说网络盗版的?他们说网络盗版花费了美国电影业一年200亿美元。你信么?网络盗版花费了美国电影业一年200亿美元。他们不知道那些玩意儿都能免费下载吗?哥你付谁钱呢?你被坑了啊……用BT下载啊你!(大家对cost理解不同哈哈哈)
……
Anything you mum clicks on, it's a virus. As soon as your mum touches that mouse, it's just a virus that compromises the entire system. Your mum could find a virus on the Google homepage. How? How are you under attack by spyware on the Google homepage? 95% of it is blank.你妈不管点击什么东西,绝必是病毒。只要你妈一碰鼠标,就会出来个病毒威胁到整个电脑系统。你妈可以在Google主页找到病毒。这也行?Google主页也能有间谍软件?95%的页面都是空白啊……
……
You state half an opinion, 'Er... I think...', 'You suck and you're wrong!' I feel like us as a generation of Internet users, we are used to that by now.你才刚说半句话,“呃……我觉得……”(就有网民跳出来说)“你tm瞎说!”我觉得我们作为使用互联网的一代人,对此已经习以为常了。
……
The previous generations never had to deal with online trolling, on that kind of glabal, person, day to day basis. Ok, sure, they had own challenges, like Hitler, and the Depression, and the bubonic plague...以前的人从来不需要面对网络喷子,以那种全球的,针对个人的,家常便饭的模式。好吧当然他们也有他们的难题,比如希特勒、大萧条、黑死病什么的……

……
My mum, she lives in Singapore right now. She really loves the Singapore government, for whatever reason – probably because of propaganda.我妈现在住在新加坡。她特别热爱新加坡政府,不管出于什么理由——可能是因为政治宣传。(这个你懂的)
……
She reads all these derogatory comments about the Singapore government, she gets angry. So now she needs to do something about it. So like a vigilante, she registers her Youtube account, just to respond to every hateful comment on this video, but worse still, she registers her Youtube account, using her real name.她读了这些贬低新加坡政府的评论,就生气了。所以她需要做些什么。像一个朝阳大妈(义务警察)一样,她注册了她的油管帐号,就为了回复视频下面每一条恶评,但更糟的是,她注册油管帐号的时候,用了真名。
……
Let me tell you something: explain to your mum, over the phone, how to fix a computer problem, when you can't see her screen, is quite possibly the most excruciating form of torture even possible. If I was an intelligence officer, and you captured me, and you wanted to extract information from me, you don't need Jack Bauer, you don't need Guantánamo Bay, you need to fuck some shit up my mum's computer, you got her to call me on the phone, 'Ronny, how do you…?' I will break like a twig, I will tell you everything you need to know, for the love of god, fix the computer, fix it right now! 我跟你说:在看不到屏幕的情况下,通过电话跟你妈解释,如何解决一个电脑问题,很可能是人类所能想到的最令人痛苦的酷刑了。如果我是个情报人员,你抓到我了,想从我这里获取信息,你不需要Jack Bauer(美剧《24小时》中特警),你不需要关塔那摩湾(美军军事监狱),你只要在我妈电脑上搞点破坏,让她给我打电话,“Ronny,我怎么才能……?”我立马认怂(像跟小树枝一样被折断),你要知道什么我都告诉你,你行行好赶紧修好她的电脑吧!
……
...move your pointer to the red x first... Just move the white arrow, to the red x, and press the left button………把指针先移到那个红色的叉叉那里……移动那个白色的箭头,移到红色的叉叉那里,点击左键……
……
Because mums are like T-Rex. If it’s not moving, they can't see it. 因为妈妈就像霸王龙。如果东西不动,她们是看不见的。(霸王龙看不见静物这个梗来自《侏罗纪公园》,知乎上还有人更正,说霸王龙不是“看不见”,是“对静止的物体不敏感”……)
……
I'm flying over! Right now! Don't book my flight! I'll book it myself! You'll mess it up!我现在就飞过来行不!就现在!你别替我订航班了!我自己订!你会搞砸的



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